Shame
by Moshisushi
Summary: Shame, it was what I felt since we had saved Bella's life. Shame for having betrayed my family's beliefs and letting my nature dominate me. How was I going to be able to face Bella and my family again? One-shot about Edward's feelings after the battle with James that lead him to discover a family secret.


**Disclaimer: Twilight Saga does not belong to me, its characters and references are Stephenie Meyer's property.**

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**Shame**

I had just said goodbye to Bella. Miraculously the only scar that would remain, once her leg was healed, would be the unpleasant mark of James's teeth on her hand. A macabre souvenir that would always remind her how she survived the attack of a vampire, but above all a persistent memory for me that would not allow me to forget the seconds in whom I hesitated and let my nature governed my actions.

For a few seconds I savored Bella's blood, a few seconds where my doubts were not to let the process continue so she would become something like me, but those that I struggled to satisfy the cravings for drinking the blood that had forced me to repress for months. I was ashamed of myself.

If it had not been for Carlisle, he made me return to reality by making the small human part that I still had to win my irrational part, today I would not have said goodbye to Bella, who rest peacefully at her home, today on the other hand, I would be on my way to Volterra so that my destiny could be pronounced in the hands of the Vulturis for having been the cause of Bella's death.

I got home, to that little shelter Carlisle had created so we did not have to hide what we are, where despite being vampires, we could make a human life without the fear of being seen.

I got out of the car. I could hear Alice and Jasper talking to Esme, Rosalie and Emmett discussing something about her car and Carlisle reading some of his medical reports in his office. I was ashamed that they saw me, I knew that none of them was going to say anything to me, I was sure that none of them would judge me, but I could not, I could not really face them and see how they treated me with love and affection, something that I did not consider myself worthy of it.

I chose to go to the forest, I needed time alone, time to punish me for what I did. I did not know if I could look Carlisle in the face again, I was ashamed to have lost his confidence after those years when I decided to skip his lifestyle, but unlike that time when I had finished with despicable humans beings. I felt that I had betrayed him this time.

I will never forget how he treated me the day I woke up in this new life, as despite my hostile behavior and my desire to blame him for the hardships of my human life, he never had a bad gesture towards me. He understood me and helped me to adapt to the second chance to live that he had given to me. I am ashamed. I do it even when I think about how after the first denial of my new situation, he gave me a mother and brothers and sisters who made me to fully accept my condition.

But now all had fallen apart, I no longer felt the same, I was not worthy of the life I had.

A few hours later I decided to go back home, I had already caused enough pain to my family, I don't want to worry them about my disappearance. I entered the house and I appreciated that no one was there saved by Carlisle, the rest must have gone hunting.

"_Edward, I'm glad you're back."_ I heard Carlisle's thoughts. I felt his smell and climbed the stairs to his office. We had not spoke about what had happened in the ballroom, a situation that I had been avoiding, but now I should face the conversation. I just hope I would be able to not collapse at his disappointment.

I opened the door and entered the room. Carlisle was sitting in the chair behind his desk with some of his reports in his hands.

—Take a sit. — He indicated. I still could not look him in the face, so with my head down I sat down in front of him. He put the report aside, leaned back in his chair while touching his chin and fixed his gaze on me. After a few minutes he changed his position and leaned on the desk. —Edward, tell me what happens to you.

Finally I ventured to raise my head to look at him. What I found surprised me but at the same time it made me feel even guiltier. What I saw on his face was not disappointment but a sign of concern.

— Son... — When he addressed me that way I could not take it anymore, I was not worthy of it. After what I was going to do, I was not worthy of this man, whom I considered a father, to still appreciate me.

—Please... I do not deserve to be considered your son. — I answered finally.

—Edward... — He tried to comfort me with some of his wise words, but I did not let him continue.

—You should be furious with me. I've violated your confidence, your rules, your beliefs... — I could not stand to see him anymore, so I got up and went to the window. —I'm a despicable person. I thought I had controlled my nature, but obviously not. I am a danger to humans... I am a danger to the stability and survival of this family. — If I could have cried, some tears should be coming out of my eyes.

Carlisle did not interrupt me anymore. That was a good thing about him, he knew how to listen. Many times we had told him that in our next move he should specialize in psychology.

—I am ashamed of my actions. Of what for a few seconds passed through my mind, that for a moment I had the full intention of destroying everything that I had built. — I sighed. For a moment I decided to end Bella's life, surrender to the desires that my nature demanded and taste her blood.

I heard Carlisle got up and headed towards me. I could not look him in the face again, so I ducked my head. To my surprise, he positioned himself beside me and ran his hand down my back to comfort me.

—You don't have to feel like that. You have not betrayed anyone, not Bella, not your mother and brothers and sisters and much less me. — I shook my head. —It's our nature, as you say. — He continued. — These are the thoughts that we have to deal with in our day to day. But what sets us apart from the rest is our ability to overcome those desires.

I interrupted him. —But not everyone thinks about ending the life of the person they love.

Carlisle ran a hand over his face. I blocked his thoughts, I wanted to fool myself and not discover how much he hated me.

—I understand you. I have been in your same situation. — I raised my head and looked at him. But this time it was Carlisle who shied away from me.

After a small silence he continued speaking. —For a few seconds I also let my nature dominated me. — He had his eyes fixed somewhere in the garden. —The day I saw Esme in that place. — He was referring to the hospital morgue in Ashland. — I had doubts about my beliefs and the diet I had been following for centuries.

I imitated him and fixed my eyes on the garden assimilating the information he was giving me. I did not want to interrupt him because, as it happened to me, it was difficult to express that out loud.

— As soon as I recognized her, I was very clear about what I was going to do, I should rescue her, she did not deserve that her life end so soon. I bit her the first time. — He clenched his jaw. —But the second time I did it, it was not for her to be convert. After that first bite my judgment blurred and for a few seconds I bite her again to taste her blood, but I managed to resist and I was able to save her.

Carlisle stopped looking out the window and turned to me.

—In the following days I felt shame. An immense shame that did not allow me to look at her because every time I did I was able to see in her neck that second mark of my teeth that expressed my defeat. — He began to move around the room. —But you know? To this day I look at that mark and smile. I smile at the thought of how I was stronger that my nature and I heard my conscience to save Esme. That is after all the thing that differentiates us from the irrational behaviors that some vampires commit.

That Carlisle had been about to end Esme's life did not comfort me about the guilt I felt, but it did help me see it from another point of view. The fear to give free rein to my nature was not something new, but it was something that I had been dealing with since I met Bella. But knowing what Carlisle had experienced helps me to raise a weight from my shoulders.

—Does she know? — I asked. I did not know whether to tell Bella what had gone through my head.

Carlisle nodded at my answer. Although I do not even know why I asked, since I assumed there were no secrets between them.

—But many years passed before I had the courage to tell her. I was afraid she thought I had converted her because I did not have time to... well... you know... — I knew what he meant. He was afraid she would think he had converted her because the poison was faster than him drinking her blood.

We heard the voices of Emmett and Jasper, and the ones from the girls behind them. Their hunt was over.

—Do you think Bella...

—After meeting Bella, I think she'll understand you. She is a very valuable girl. — He tapped me on the back and directed me to the door. —Lets meet them. They've been very worried about you, especially your mother.

I accompany him downstairs. Everyone was in the room having a conversation. I smiled when I saw them. Many times I had denied what I was, but without being what I am I could not be living the scene I am seeing before my eyes and much less could have met the most incredible person in the world, Bella.


End file.
